This is possibly the sappiest post yet.

I am so incredibly lucky. I now realize why everyone seems to want someone else. It's probably the greatest feeling in the world to know that there is someone out there who cares about you. But not in the same way a friend or family member does. They are the one person in the world that genuinely wants to know what you're thinking, feeling or doing. When you feel ugly or stupid or dull, that one person is there to tell you that you're not. At least not to them. Having this person makes you realize that you don't need to be the prettiest, smartest or funniest person to everyone because you are to that someone. It really is a beautiful thing.

Serious post is serious.

It's really a strange thing when you think something and then it turns out to be true. Starting in April I always joked around about having a brain tumor. Not in a disrespectful way to cancer patients but in hypochondriac way. April is when my terrible migraines started. They'd last for 3 days at a time and practically paralyze me. I pushed thoughts of serious problems aside and enjoyed the rest of my senior year and summer.

Fast forward to August when I'm a freshman in college. My symptoms have gotten worse. The migraines are even more painful than before and are more frequent. I tell myself it's still nothing.

Now it's October and I have had a migraine for 12 days. I have repeated loss of vision in my left eye (it'll just go dark for a few minutes) and blurred vision. Also I faint roughly twice a week. My body is weak and my appetite is disappearing. Since arriving in August I have lost 17 lbs. Not exactly the typical freshman fifteen.

I finally went to a doctor and life got real. She told me that I need to see a neurologist because it's likely there is something in my brain. She gave me medicine to dull the pain.

Anyway, I'm not saying I have a tumor, but the chances I do are high. This is one of the scariest things I've ever dealt with.

In middle school this kid called me "Toomer" since my last name is Toomey. That nickname wasn't funny then and it's really not funny now.

surprise.

There's a common theme in my posts. Whiny love blah blah blahhh. SORRY. But it's true. The reason I blog about it so much is because it's unknown. I am generally science-brained person. I respect facts and scientific proof but with love there really isn't any. I'm not going to eat my own words and say that love truly exists. Because I don't know. I don't what this love thing is. All of my theories on it are crashing around me. I'm not saying that I'm necessarily in love. I feel like I'd be 100% certain if I was. But maybe it's because I'm afraid that I'll be the only one falling in love. I know he cares about me. I know our relationship works. But I drive myself crazy because I start to myself the opposite. I'm afraid that the distance will make him start to resent me. I'm terrified to rely on someone. I have been independent in everything I do since I was a kid, because I had to be. I'm so scared to get hurt and I think that fear is going to be what hurts me.

chee zay

Relationships are difficult for me. I tend to keep my self removed. I pretend to be fully into it but then I search around for something I don't like about them and throw them to the curb. With Andrew I tried to not do that but was ultimately screwed over. That was partially my fault, solely because he was a douche canoe who treated me like dirt. This time around? It's a whole other ballpark. If I see a flaw in him I throw it aside because I can't bring myself to care. I wish I didn't like being involved with him. I hate not being able to see a future and not being able to control what happens. I feel myself growing more attached everyday and it hurts because I know one day he's going to break my heart. The heart that I've been coddling the last 18 years of my life. But I also know I'll wait until he does because until then, things are nice. I still may be a love skeptic, but the way I feel about him is special. I hate even saying that. God, it kind of makes me want to vomit because it's so cheesy. It's just nice to have someone who I can spend 6 hours on the phone with. I tell him stories and he plays guitar. The combination is beautiful. It's not like we're singing a song but those moments play in my head like one. He may have an ex girlfriend who hates my guts but I really don't care. She can hate me all she wants. Because even though we are 5 hours apart, it works. We don't have to text all day and most of the time we don't. But I communicate with him in a really nice way. When we're together though. That's what keeps everything alive. It's spectacular. The talking, the not talking... I crave it. I miss everything about him and I can't wait to be reunited in one week.

I know one day I'm going to look back on this if he ever screws me over. But hopefully this will be a reminder that at one time, it was special and I was happy.

this is many strands of many thoughts, loosely bound by a common purpose

The main reason I stopped blogging was because I became afraid too many people were going to read it. I'm over that. In fact, I want people to read it. I want my quirks and inner workings to be known. Let me start out by saying that I'm a little crazy and a lot emotional. I sound like all 18 year old girls right? I probably am. But here is what makes me unique... I think anyway. I've said this before, but I don't believe in love. However, companionship is my passion. I crave it. It's what I think makes the world spin. It's the end-all be-all. It's what everyone wants. Do you think this is love? No. You can find companionship in anything. In  people, in books, in food, in politics, in blogging for christ's sake. I truly believe that companionship is that feeling in your gut that tells you that you aren't alone on this rotating mass of dirt. Can you think of anything more important in life? I truly can't. I do believe that there is more than one thing on this earth that can grant you companionship which is what makes it different than "love". I find companionship in a lot of things. Granted, it has lead me to make a great amount of poor life decisions, but I wouldn't change anything. I think we all want a person to give us our companionship. If you have the person who actually does, consider yourself equal to a millionaire. To be honest, I don't think anyone I've ever dated has made me feel like the way I want to feel. No person has ever convinced me that someone has my back out there. I'm not saying this to be sad or whatever but its true. I have felt this comfort though. When I watch one of Elizabeth Taylor's movies when I get into a fight with whoever I'm fancying at the time or when I read Oscar Wilde at 2 o' clock in the morning because I can't put it down even though I've read it ten thousand times before or how I still get goosebumps when I listen to Fleet foxes regardless of the fact that they have been on repeat on my iPod since the 10th grade. THAT to me is what true happiness feels like. Those are the things that keep me going, that stop me from cutting again or from taking too many allergy pills. I used to do stupid things to escape from the sadness the world can sometimes force upon you, now you just have to find those few things that keep life bearable. Don't let yourself get sucked into the belief that you're either really happy or really depressed. Sometimes its okay to coast.

every time it rains it rains, pennies from heaven

Lately memory has been on my mind. More specifically, the memories we are making right now. The memories of high school. The prime of our youth. Will I remember all of my long drives and heart-to-hearts with my best friend? Will I remember all of the random dates I've been on over the past four years? What about just walking through the hallway and doing last minute cramming for an upcoming test? I really want to believe that I'm going to remember all of it. everyone. everything.

Also the approaching thought that the real world is arriving as of May 31st is quite frankly, terrifying. I have craved nothing more than freedom for the last 12 years. Now I realize that I have been confusing lack of freedom with security.

Here I am, walking into a fog. A place where you can't find what you're looking for and there is no turning back.

holy shit.

Only you can prevent Forrest fires.

I love helping people. Besides acting, it's the only thing I'm good at. Last year, I did about 200 hours of service. I absolutely love it. It's such a big part of my life and even after doing it for so long, I still don't feel like a good person. I try pretty hard to not be a terrible person. I have said mean things about people, but I never judge someone without getting to know them and it's almost always personality based. I don't like that some people don't like me. I know it's part of life, and you can't please everyone, but if still sucks and hurts a little. Out of all my insecurities, my fear of being disliked is the most prevalent. It's why it's so hard for me to make friends. I always feel like people feel like they are doing me a favor by talking to me. That's when I get into my bitchy moods. When I have a mood swing where I think everyone hates me. C'est la vie.