chee zay

Relationships are difficult for me. I tend to keep my self removed. I pretend to be fully into it but then I search around for something I don't like about them and throw them to the curb. With Andrew I tried to not do that but was ultimately screwed over. That was partially my fault, solely because he was a douche canoe who treated me like dirt. This time around? It's a whole other ballpark. If I see a flaw in him I throw it aside because I can't bring myself to care. I wish I didn't like being involved with him. I hate not being able to see a future and not being able to control what happens. I feel myself growing more attached everyday and it hurts because I know one day he's going to break my heart. The heart that I've been coddling the last 18 years of my life. But I also know I'll wait until he does because until then, things are nice. I still may be a love skeptic, but the way I feel about him is special. I hate even saying that. God, it kind of makes me want to vomit because it's so cheesy. It's just nice to have someone who I can spend 6 hours on the phone with. I tell him stories and he plays guitar. The combination is beautiful. It's not like we're singing a song but those moments play in my head like one. He may have an ex girlfriend who hates my guts but I really don't care. She can hate me all she wants. Because even though we are 5 hours apart, it works. We don't have to text all day and most of the time we don't. But I communicate with him in a really nice way. When we're together though. That's what keeps everything alive. It's spectacular. The talking, the not talking... I crave it. I miss everything about him and I can't wait to be reunited in one week.

I know one day I'm going to look back on this if he ever screws me over. But hopefully this will be a reminder that at one time, it was special and I was happy.